Avoidance

I've been avoiding posting anything new. I visit my blog on a daily basis to check out the other blogs I visit but I've been avoiding posting anything. I've had plenty to blog about, most of it not related to adoption, but for some reason decided not to. I think that when I initially set this blog up it was to record our adoption journey and share it with others. Seeing that we've been waiting over 2 years and have yet to be chosen there really isn't alot to blog about.

I've can say that I struggle everyday with my emotions regarding adoption. Today is a day when I'm not sure that adopting domestically is really for me. I visit an adoption forum several times a day. I'm a registered member and have been for several years but just can't bring myself to post anything on there. The makeup of the members there are birthmothers who have relinquished, mothers and fathers who have adopted both domestically and internationally, and adoptees. I've learned so much about adoption and the many, many, many emotions that go along with it. To read the posts from birthmothers who have relinquished their child and the pain they still feel after many years of post-placement. A few of them have a good relationshipe with their child's adoptive parents and yet several of them haven't heard from their children since that first year (which most adoption agencies require). Their biggest desire is to see that adoptions are done in the best ethical way possible. This means there is no coerision with the expectant mother, that termination of parental rights be done months after the child's birth and that the revocation period(time that the adoption could be reversed) be atleast a year. Sounds scary, right? To say that the child God intends to bless us with would have to be in interim care for the first 3 months of his/her life and that after that we could take him/her home but it would be a legal risk placement until a year later does sound scary. I'm not saying that this is how our adoption would be but should it be like this?

We have been told that we're pretty open with our adoption. If I remember correctly, we've said that we would agree to correspond with our child's mother up to age 18. This includes includes photos, letters and visits. My struggle comes with how will our families react to this. I've heard some say that once she signs away her parental rights, she's not obligated to have any information. Not even photos and letters. And when visits are suggested, they can't believe we'd actually agree to that. Of course those visits would most likely take place at a neutral place, preferably the agency.

When I really start to think about all that, I do get scared. I see another woman who will grieve the rest of her life, perhaps being told that she's doing the right thing for her child. I see me having to explain to our child the reasons behind his/her adoption. I can see our child asking why he/she can't go home with their first mother after a visit. I can see the many questions that will be asked both of me and my child. I see pain that will last a lifetime not only for my child, but his/her first mother and me.

I've obviously been keeping in some deep felt emotions from the sound of this post. But it's something that I think about often. It's something that I still have trouble coming to grips about. It's something that I avoid as often as I can.