A New Start

As I type this 2009 is hours away! What will the new year bring with it?? It's my heartfelt desire that this would be the year that God blesses us with a child. I know that His timing is perfect and yet I so wish that this would be our year!

One thing I do know is that I'm going to do my best to make this the best year for me and my relationship with Jesus. It's also my heartfelt desire to become closer to my Savior! I'm going to try to study His word more, memorize more of His word, and share more of His word!

It's my prayer that in the New Year all that I do will be pleasing to my Heavenly Father! I don't know what the new year holds for me but I do know that with Jesus on my side I can handle anything this world throws at me!

And now, O Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul,
Deuteronomy 10:11-13

It hurts

The past few days God has really laid it on my heart to be praying during this holiday season. Not just for me, my family and friends but for those who struggle during the holidays. There are so many who put on a happy face for the day to day activities they do but are hurting deep inside.

Many different scenarios come to my mind. Those who are experiencing their first Christmas without a loved one. Those who are sitting by the beside of a loved one who may not be here for Christmas. Those who have received medical diagnoses and aren't sure they'll be here next year. Those who long to make new Christmas memories with a child of their own. The newly divorced mom/dad who won't be able to share Christmas morning with their children. That single person who thinks they'll never get to share Christmas with that special someone.

And yet I know that my Lord and Saviour was sent to this earth to be born of a virgin with the full intent to be put to death for me. It hurts! God was hurt by what His Son chose to do that day.

But with that come the wonderful knowledge that He rose again and is right now sitting at the right hand of my Heavenly Father waiting to bring me home!

I think that I can pray this Christmas for those who are hurting!

A Different Road

I contacted a fertility clinic that's closer to us about two weeks ago. I was inquiring about their embyro donation program. I didn't hear anything until yesterday. I got a call and got some of my questions answered. The cost for their program is $5000. I was too excited to ask what all that entails but I'm cautiously optimistic that the meds could be included in that. They also don't require a homestudy which is good. (Of course we'll have to pay for that at our agency but that's another story.)

We've been to this clinic when we first started our journey and I was surprised that I was still in their computer. The coordinator asked if I would like to make an appointment for the intial consultation. I was like sure, thinking that it'd be after the first of the year. Well she tells me that the first available appointment is Monday December 22. I think I stopped breathing at that moment. She asked if we would like that appointment and with out hesitation I said yes. Thankfully I am off that day and Chad said he'd come with me.

I can't wait to see what our options are going to be!

I'm thankful for...

Jesus Christ-without him I'm nothing!
My husband-Quoting Jerry McGuire~ "He completes me!!"
My family- as dysfunctional as it may seem I know they love me and support me every day!
My friends- they accept me for who I am and love me anyways!
My pets- who love me unconditionally!
My church- It's the place I go to be reminded that my life should reflect that of Christ's every day not just on Sundays.
My past-without it I wouldn't be the person I am today.
My job- With things like they are with our economy, I know I still have one.(At least for now)
My Country- It's one of the greatest in the world-no matter who's running it
Those fighting for our freedom-I can't imagine our world without them. The sacrifices their families make is beyond my comprehension.
Those things so easily taken for granted-a nice home, a warm bed, clothes to wear, and food to eat.

Just a few things that were on my mind today.

Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name;
make known among the nations what he has done. 1 Chronicles 16:8

Getting my attention

I was sitting in church yesterday. I have to admit that I was a little distracted. I have those moments but not very often. I just couldn't keep my mind on the sermon. There were a couple of distractions that were helping me too. However, through it all God seemed to me saying to me: Pay attention! I'm speaking to you! Brother Rick was talking about being thankful. His scripture reference was 1 Chronicles 16. It's David's psalm of thanksgiving after the ark of the covenant was brought back to Jerusalem.

Brother Rick mentioned that with thanksgiving we not only have to be thankful for what we have but we have to be thankful for those things we don't have. It was like God hit my forehead and said See!! Honestly, I can truly say that I'm thankful that I don't have a child of my own right now. This time has been a time of growth for me! God has brought me closer to him during this waiting period. I've grown closer to not only Him, but Chad too! We've had some pretty wonderful times together this year! And for that I'm grateful!

So this year as I approach Thanksgiving, I can honestly say that I'm thankful for the wait! Granted there are those days when I wish the wait were over.(They're not as numerous as they have been!) But I'm thankful for the waiting!

Lord, today I want to thank you for the numerous blessings you've granted me this past year. My family, my friends, my job and my church are just to name a few. Lord may every day be a day of thanksgiving in my life. For without you I'm nothing! Amen

There are days...

when I absolutely hate my job! I love each child that is in my Center but sometimes their parents drive me crazy!!

It's my prayer that if God blesses me with a child that I won't be the type of parent that nit-picks about every little thing.

Please God hold me accountable to that!!

Thank you!

History was made

We the United States elected our first African American President. And while I may not be excited about the choice I do know that as a Christian I am called to pray for our leaders. There are many things that I don't agree with Obama on. Some of his "changes" really scare me. But I was sent this in an email today that really puts some perspective on what I need to do for our new President.

Dear Friends,

For months now my email Inbox has been besieged by nearly hysterical
warnings about what will happen if Barack Obama becomes President. I
have been encouraged to be worried, afraid, concerned, prepared for
disaster, and a whole host of other maladies if this happens. I do not
deny the importance of this election, but it seems to me that we need a
dose of perspective. So here, after the election, I would like
to start my own email concerning this election. It's a "True/False"
test. I'd like for all of us to take it. Feel free to email it on to
whomever:

True/False: The day after the election, regardless of who wins, Jesus
will still be King.

True/False: The day after the election, regardless of who wins, our
responsibilities as Christians will not have changed one iota.

True/False: The day after the election, regardless of who wins, the
greatest agent for social change in America will still be winning the
hearts and minds of men and women through the gospel, not legislation.

True/False: The day after the election, regardless of who wins, my
primary citizenship will still be in this order - (1) the Kingdom of
God, (2) America, not vice-versa.

True/False: The day after the election, regardless of who wins, the
tomb will still be empty.

True/False: The day after the election, regardless of who wins, the
cross, not the government, will still be our salvation.

True/False: The day after the election, regardless of who wins, our
children will still be more concerned with whether or not we spend time
with them than with who is President.

True/False: The day after the election, regardless of who wins, my
neighbor will still be my neighbor, and loving him/her will still be
the second greatest commandment. (Do you know the first?)

True/False: The day after the election, regardless of who wins, the
only way to see abortion ultimately overturned will still be winning
men and women to a high view of life through the gospel of Christ.

True/False: The day after the election, regardless of who wins, the
only way to see gay marriage ultimately defeated will still be winning
men and women to a biblical view of marriage through the gospel of
Jesus Christ.

True/False: The day after the election, regardless of who wins, my
retirement will still not match my treasure in Heaven.

True/False: The day after the election, regardless of who wins, "Jesus
Is Lord" will still be the greatest truth in the Universe.

True/False: The day after the election, regardless of who wins, we
will still know that God is in control.

How did you score?

Regardless of who wins... My God is in control!!

God bless America in Jesus name!

History in the Making

Today history is being made and I'm thankful to say that I've been a part of it. We'll either have the first African American president or the first female Vice president. In past presidential elections my decision has always been very easy to make and with this one it was too! I'm praying all day today that God's will would be done and that no matter who becomes our President God would be glorified!

We are a blessed nation! We have the privilege to exercise our right to vote! The price of that freedom has been fought for and is still being fought for today! I urge every reader to take the time to cast your vote and be heard!

I probably won't watch the results but spend time with Chad and just have fun! I'm sure we won't know until in the morning who offically has won, if then!

I'm praying hard today!

Another Road to Take

Chad and I are seriously looking into embryo adoption. It's a little different than domestic adoption in that you're getting embryos that another couple have left over from their IVF cycles. They want to help give other couples who are experiencing infertility the opportunity to have a child. You don't formally adopt them (it's more like a legal agreement between parties) like in domestic adoption. Chad mentioned this to our social worker and he said that their agency was beginning to work with couples regarding this. He is suppose to send us the information this week. I'm praying it's in the mail today!

We could possibly work with a clinic in Birmingham but I've been researching information about the NEDC in Knoxville, TN. The cost would be less than a typical adoption and I would get to experience pregnancy. I really had a peace about not ever experiencing pregnancy but since researching this I've gotten excited about the possiblilty of carrying a child. Granted this child would not be ours genetically but in every other way it would be. They give you two options to choose from. You can choose an open agreement or an anonymous. I think Chad and I both feel comfortable with choosing anonymouslly.

We're still looking at all the information and praying really hard to see if this is the path God is placing before us.

Doing Better

Today is a better day for me. The past few days have been really emotional and stressful but I really feel better today. I've been praying real hard about all that we've gone through these last few weeks. Asking God to show me the path he wants me to take.

Chad and I are going out of town this weekend. We are headed to Arkansas to visit Chad's brother and his family. It's our niece's birthday and we can't wait. We haven't seen them since May. I'm praying that during the drive we can discuss some other options that are out there.

I'm off to research some things I want to share with Chad!

Have a great weekend!

Broken Record??

Seems like there's a record playing and it's stuck on the same phrase...You weren't chosen...You weren't chosen. Again today we were told we weren't chosen by another expectant mother. We've also decided to have our profile not shown to another expectant mother who is having twins. There is just too much going on with her medically that both Chad and I aren't comfortable with. I've heard the saying-God never puts on you more than you can handle but with this situation there would be so much to deal with. I don't think our emotions could handle all of this plus telling these children they're adopted too!

I'm also second guessing if adoption is the right choice for us. I've got a lot of praying to do and a lot of listening to God as to where He wants us to go! It could be that the hurt from all the rejection is coming into play for me but I'm just tired right now. Tired from waiting, tired of not knowing, tired of just everything adoption related.

On my knees is where I need to be!

Update

We found out today that we were not chosen by the expectant mother who is due any day now. Chad is very discouraged and has so many questions. I'm a little sad but I truly know that my God is working in every situation. I know that one day we'll hear the words "You've been chosen!"

I pray that God will sustains us and grant us the grace we need to continue on.

I trust God to show us the way in all things! I'll continue to praise Him!!

Hopeful

I've been that way the whole time we've been waiting. Yes there have been days when that hopeful feeling was in the distance and the feeling of hopelessness was closer. Our social worker called today to let us know that there is a young girl who is due any day. She would be looking over profiles this weekend. There is a possibility that we could be chosen. He also told Chad about another young lady who is due in late Decemeber/early January. The reason he mentioned this one was to ask Chad if we would be willing to take twins. Twins! Chad told him yes! How surprising is that! I just can't imagine Chad saying yes to the possibility of 2 babies.

So many thoughts are going through my mind right now. It's all I've been thinking about since Chad told me. I know that the only thing that I can do right now is PRAY! I pray that God's will be done in each situation. I pray that each one of them has the support and strength they need to make the best decision for them and their babies. I pray that I can make it through the weekend without obessing about both situations.

I'm cautiously optimistic yet guarding my heart in case neither one works out in our favor. However I do know that God is in control and is continuing to work in the whole situation!

Cooling off

It's beginning to really feel like fall here. It's been nice during the day(the humidity has been great) and it's been cool in the evenings. The holidays will be here before we know it. Actually Christmas is just 79 days away. Sounds like alot but it'll fly by and be here before we catch our breath.

In my timeline I just knew that I'd be celebrating the holidays with a new addition to our home. And I have faith that it could happen any day. But the closer the end of the year gets here the closer it gets to having to do our physicals and bloodwork again. I just don't know if we want to go through that again. It's not covered by our insurance and I just don't know if we want to pay for that again.

I understand that God's timeline is nothing like my own. And I don't want to feel like I've given up on having a child. I know that in God's perfect plan he sees the big picture and knows just what is going to happen. I just wish that he would let me in on it too! It's hard to be patient and wait! Yet I'm reminded every day that God is on my side! He's fighting for me! He's watching to see if I fall and give in! He knows the hurt! He wants to see me grow! He knows the cost of those growing pains! He's carrying me through!

You have to see this!

What is your cardboard testimony??

The Big Picture

Have you had those moments when you're in a situation, a valley I call it, and you ask God why am I going through this? How are you refining me by this and what will be the big picture? This month marks the 5 year anniversary of one of the lowest times in my life. I don't want to go into great details but it was a hurt like no other. A hurt that I've said that I would not wish on my worst enemy. (And I have them) While going through it many questions to God were asked? Why? Why me? Will I ever be the same again? What good will come from all of this? And yet through it all, those questions remained unanswered.

Travel through time to a year from where I was and the answers come. A dear friend of mine was experiencing the same kind of hurt I had gone through. I was there to comfort her, support her, encourage her and pray with her because I had been there. The old saying is that you never know what someone's going through until you've walked in their shoes. Well, in a way I had walked in her shoes. I could share my experience with her. She could see how God had used me and made me a stronger woman through it all. It's not something you'd like to have in common with someone else but you can see atleast one reason why you traveled the road you did.

I've had the opportunity to share this experience with more than one friend. It's something you don't think happens but you'd be surprised by how many people go through it. Just this week, another friend is experiencing this and I hurt for her. I cry for her. I pray that God would sustain her and bring her through it.

I've seen the big picture for this time in my life. I know that I suffered this hurt so that I might minister to others who have or will walk this same valley.

I'm reminded of that precious verse: Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4

Thank you, Lord for bringing me through this trial and showing me that you are there in all situations.

Another punch!

You know just when you thought you were at the point in your life that your infertility didn't cause you alot pain you get punched in the stomach by it again. Today a very good friend of mine told me that she's pregnant again. I can't tell you how hard it is to hear those words being uttered, even harder when it's from someone close to me. I struggled, really struggled when my sister announced her pregnancy last year. But I also hid it very well! Had it not been for my very good friend, Kim I really think I would have lost it. And now I have a good friend who's just found out she's expecting. Why is it so easy for some and nearly impossible for others?? That's one question I would love to have God answer for me!

Don't get me wrong I love my friend and I'm happy for her! But this news just brings back those feelings of why me? It's another valley for me to endure and yet I'll make it through! With the help of my dear friends and the Good Lord I'll trudge through the next 9 months with the hope that I'll be blessed too!

50 Years

Today is a significant day in our family. Today is my parent's 50th wedding anniversary! In our society today not many marriages make it past 5 let alone 50! But I'm so grateful for a mother and father who have be faithful to each other for 50 years. God has blessed them with 5 daughters, 3 sons-in law and 5 grandchildren. ( I hope to add to that number!)

They've shown me that marriage is not an easy road. They've had their share of struggles, hardships, disappointments and obstacles. But through it all they've been a living testimony that marriage is a partnership that takes both parties working together to make it happen. They still love each other after 50 years. I'll admit there are some days when they get on each other's nerves but I think that's typical in any marriage.

To celebrate they just returned from a week long cruise to Alaska! They had a wonderful time and said it was a once in a lifetime experience that they'll never forget!

It's an amazing thing! I'm proud to be their daughter!

The Countdown Begins...

**Make sure you pause the music at the end of the page before playing the video



I live for fall because it's the start of college football! 3 days and counting until my favorite team plays their first game of the season! I can't wait!

They will begin their season in Atlanta. They're playing against Clemson and I'm really hoping for an upset! It would be a great boost for our team and it would be a great start to our season.

You may wonder why I'm so excited about the start of college football. You see, I grew up with 4 sisters, no brothers. I was the only daughter who would sit and watch any type of sports with my dad. He taught me all I know about sports! It's a bond that I cherish and hope to pass on to my children.

The college football season offically begins Thursday night and I'll be ready!

Waiting Stinks!

I could have typed a different word rather than stinks but I'm trying so hard to watch what comes out of my mouth. What makes the waiting even harder is knowing that your profile has been shown to a expectant mother. Then what makes the wait even harder is knowing you weren't chosen.

Chad called our social worker yesterday for an update and this is what we were told. I have to admit I'm discouraged and a little sad. This is also something that I wanted to avoid but knew that I would want to know. Our sw did tell us that our name is being mentioned in their weekly staff meetings. Chad said it was an encouraging phone call and that he felt better after talking to our social worker.

In all of this I can see God's protective hand over us. Who knows what could happen with this expectant mother and God knew what Chad and I could or could not handle.

We stepped out in faith when we started this journey, we've placed our hope in God to bring about this blessing and we'll forever love our child when God sees fit to bless us.

Faith, Hope and Love!

???

With each day I am one day closer. One day closer to holding my precious child in my arms. One day closer to fufilling a dream. One day closer to ending a longing that has been growing since I was a little girl. One day closer to being a mommy! How I pray this day is sooner rather than later.

It's not every day that I think about it but there are moments when I catch myself wondering has my child been conceived?, if so, how far along is she?, has she looked at every possibility that is out there for her?, is she being counseled in the most ethical way possible?, is she facing this alone or with help?

So many questions come to mind but one that is of most importance to me is "Does she have a personal relationship with God?" Is she placing all her trust and confidence in God to show her the plan he has for her life? This is my earnest prayer for her! I pray that God is an important part of her life and she's looking to Him not only for guidance but for assurance that she is not alone through all of this.

I pray every day for her!

I pray every day!

I pray!

God is Good

Just an update from yesterday: My friend Kim is doing well and hopefully will get to leave the hospital. My sister Liz was sent home with some antibotics and pain medicine. I pray this kidney stone will pass soon. It really is making her nausea.

Today has been a better day except for my adventure trying to renew my driver's license. I have a commerical driver's license because I had to drive a bus when I worked in our school age program. I don't want the CDL anymore because I don't work there any more and it cost more to renew. So I go to our friendly registrar's office and take a number. While taking a number I see a notice that says all CDL licenses have to be renew at a different location. So I tell myself that I'll go another day and just get my nails done. Well, I walk into my nail salon and the lady who does my nails is not there. I don't like anyone else doing my nails so I leave. I'm close to the other location to renew my license and I walk in and the room is full. After standing for about 8 minutes at the window to receive my number, the officer finally ends his phone conversation and I ask him if I don't want my CDL do I still have to wait. He says yes. I ask how long it will take and he tells me that the next number is 4 and they are on 88. I just sigh and tell him I can't wait.

So I'm still driving around with an expired licensce. I hope I don't get pulled over for anything!

Confidence

I'm confident that I serve a mighty God! Today has been a day when I had to just let go and let God. My very dear friend Kim was scheduled for surgery today. She was to be at the hospital at 10:30 and start the surgery at 12:30. During this time I find out that my sister, Liz, who has been battling a kidney stone is in the emergency room with nausea and pain. I felt so helpless because I wanted to be in 2 different places and couldn't be in either.

Kim's surgery didn't start until about 1:45 and as I type I'm waiting for news that she's out of surgery. Liz's doctor sent her for a contrast/non contrast Xray and I'm waiting to hear the results from that too!

I don't worry about things that deal with me or my husband but I do tend to worry about others and the circumstances they are in. God has shown me today that I really don't need to do that because He's in control and He's taking care of them both.

I found a saying today that I've claimed all day~Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God~ Corrie Ten Boom

God is taking care of them both and He's also taking care of me!

1 year

Well we've reached the 1 year mark for waiting. I can't believe it. I just knew that it would happen for us before a year but I guess it's like the saying goes "If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans." In Isaiah 55:8 God tells us that "our thoughts are not his thoughts, and our ways are not his ways." I know that in God's infinite plan for my life I have to realize that nothing is going to work out for me like I want it to-it's going to happen like God wants it to happen.

I have come to realize that through this waiting God is working in my life. He has allowed me to come to terms with our infertility. He truly has given me peace about that. He has also allowed me to form new friendships with some truly beautiful people both in real life and online. (What would I do without my board buddies??!)

This waiting process is definitely a time for me to totally place all my faith and trust in the one who holds my hand daily!

Thank you Lord that I can wait and be used by you for your kingdom!

What a surprise!

My niece, Kenzie Elise, came into this world yesterday at 6:39 p.m. She weighed 7 lbs. 8 ozs. and was 20 in. long. She is just gorgeous! Mom and dad are doing well!

We thank God for this precious gift and can't wait to spoil her rotten!

Expecting

We are currently awaiting the birth of our new niece/nephew. My sister is set to check in to the hospital Tuesday June 24 and be induced on Wednesday. Some may think that this would be difficult to handle or bittersweet for me but I have to honestly say I am super excited to meet her/him. We actually have a family pool going as to the sex, weight and arrival time for our newest member of the family. I just know that I'm going to be the winner!! It's been 13 years since we've had a little one on my side of the family and 8 years on my hubby's side. We need another little one now.

I just pray that my sister's experience is a smooth and wonderful time for her. She's not a stranger to hospitals and I just pray that the birth of this blessing will be a easy and smooth time. So many are ready to welcome this little one and I pray that her/his entrance will be uneventful.

I am planning to take the whole day off Wednesday and just hang out at the hospital. Waiting is not one of my best attributes and I pray that we can find things to pass the time. She is being induced and you just never know how long it'll take from the time they start to that wonderful moment when that little one enters this world.

I ask you to remember us as a family as we prepare to welcome this little one into our family. Please pray especially for my sister and her husband as they anticipate seeing their beautiful child claim their hearts and souls for a lifetime.

Vacation

I have to say that I'm extremely excited and ready for my vacation! In about 7 more days Chad and I and 3 other couples will be heading to the beach! I can't tell you how needed this vacation is! We have no other plans but to spend each waking moment on the beach. I just love being near the ocean and gazing at how amazing my God is! Through his beauty in nature I can experience a oneness with Him that totally energizes me and replenishes my soul!

It will also be an opportunity to get away from my thoughts regarding adoption. The waiting has been hard, I have to admit. But I know that in God's perfect plan my blessings will come. They may not come when I want them to but I know that they will come.

I hear the waves calling my name!! Won't be much longer!

Can I just tell you how excited I am???

Update on us!

It's been a while since I updated and there's really not much to tell. We had our updated visit from our sw and we also went and had our physicals done again. What joy is in that when our insurance covers nothing. It's all out of pocket. I've told myself that I don't want to have to do that again and I'll really have to pray about it should it come to that.

The shower for my sister went really well! I only had 1 moment when I choked up but that was during the devotional I did for her! She cried through the whole thing and was very blessed by it. I could be an aunt in the next 5 weeks. My sister has alot of scar tissue from previous illnesses and her ob told her that she's more than likely going to get alot more uncomfortable and that he could induce the baby at 37 weeks. I'm really excited about this and can't wait to meet my niece or nephew! I'm praying for a girl!!

Mother's Day was a somber day for me and not for the reasons that I usually have. Our precious furbaby, Max got loose Saturday night and we could not find him. We looked for 2 hours and searched all over our neighborhood. Of course it stormed that night too and he is terrified of thunderstorms. Sunday we woke up with no signs of him and Chad even missed church to look for him. I had to go because I was doing the powerpoint for our early service. I did have a nice lunch with my mom and family but felt like I put a damper on the day because I was so emotional about our Max. It was even harder when Chad came in from looking for him again after lunch and laid on the bed and just cried! It was an emotionally exhausting day. However, this morning I called our vet to let them know that Max was missing and wanted to give them a heads up should anyone call. (He was wearing his rabies tag which has our vet's address and phone number on it). How relieving it was when they called back and told us that someone had found him and was bringing him to the vet's office. It was a special moment for me. Needless to say he's back home and in the kennel inside until further notice!

God knows...

just what we need and the exact moment too! This past Sunday the majority of my family was celebrating with my aunt, uncle and cousin, the dedication of my cousin's baby girl. Me and Chad did not go because baby dedications are just too difficult for me. I'm very happy for my cousin and his wife but I just struggle with baby dedications. But God knew what he had in store for me at my home church! The focus of the whole service was our commuciation with God. The music, scripture reading and sermon all spoke to me. I wanted to share a few points made by pastor in his sermon. He read from the 13th Psalm. If you have time, please read it! It's wonderful!

When life falls apart, we need to turn to God. The most important thing about our difficult circumstances is not that we get through it but what we get out of it.
When we turn to God we need to be honest. Let God know your hurts and pain!

We need to move from looking at ourselves and look to God.
We need to stop looking at the past and look to the future.
Stop looking for reasons and start looking for promises.

Never doubt in the dark what God has taught you in the light.

In my journey I've experienced some dark times but I've had to rely on the promise that God will not leave me or forsake me!

I'm placing it all in God's hands and I'm looking for the day I can say: God is faithful!

To shower or not

Planning a baby shower can be hard. But planning a baby shower and going through infertility is even harder. My sister is expecting her first child in July. My other sisters and I have offered to give her a baby shower in April. We weren't sure that she could get pregnant and then if she did there was the question of whether or not she would carry to term. So I'm grateful that she is able to experience this but I have to say that there are days when my heart hurts and wishes it could be me. Planning this shower will continue to be bittersweet for me! I have to admit I want this. Perhaps one day it may happen for me but right now all I have is the opportunity to do it for my sister. You can bet that when my time comes I'll be ready and willing to have it done for me.

Been Funky

I guess you could say that I've been in a funk. March is here and I know that we need to schedule another visit from our SW. It's been a year since our SW came to see us and we began this journey called adoption. I'd really hoped that we would have been matched by now. You know when you're pregnant you atleast have a tenative date to look at but with adoption you just don't have that luxury. Reminders of things that I'll never experience have been slapping me in the face the last few weeks and I have to say it really stinks! I know in my heart of hearts that God feels my pain and knows I'm hurting. I know that He is painting for me the big picture and I've yet to even see the canvas He's using but sometimes you just want things in your time. I've been reminded also of how God is refining me in the waiting and He knows just when I'll be ready for that special child he's preparing for me. I just don't want to feel this way right now. I just don't want to!

Only God Knows!

The last few nights my dreams have been interesting to say the least. The first one I was at work and the phone rang. Our agency's number showed up on the phone and I just couldn't answer the phone. I had to let my assistant answer the phone. Needless to say, it was the call!
The second one happened last night and I was cleaning the house from top to bottom. I guess you could say it was nesting!
After sharing this with my friends at work, my friend told me she dreamed we got the call too! I've heard our dreams are just reflections of our sub-conscience. Is this true? Who's to say but I do know that our adoption has been on my mind alot lately.
Perhaps God is just preparing me or perhaps it's just me anticipating what is going to come. The only question is when? I truly know that in God's time it will all come to past but I can't quite figure out what this all means!

Another day is almost over

Which means that we are one day closer to having our miracle. Some days are better for me than other days. There are those days that I don't even think about adoption and there are those when it's all I think about. It's on those days that the questions just fill my head and I can't stop thinking about that special person God has chosen for us. I think about what she's going through, how far along she might be, what support she has (I pray she has alot of love and support) and what she must be feeling. Lord knows I pray every day for her and ask God to protect and surround her with His love. I pray that God will continue to refine both Chad and me through this waiting and prepare us for one of the most rewarding jobs there is...being a parent!