Reflections...Not Resolutions

Today as we celebrate the end of another year, I've been reflecting on what 2009 meant to me. Looking back on my last post of 2008, I was so hoping that God would bless us with a child in 2009. That didn't happen, yet God did open up another avenue for us with regards as to how we'll become a family. I'm so thankful he placed embryo adoption on my heart and then opened Chad's heart up to the same idea. I'm not sure what 2010 will hold for us but I'm confident that God is mapping it all out for us.

2009 held some milestones for my family.

*My mother turned 70 this year. To look at her you'd never know that she's that old. She's a remarkable lady who I look up to every day!
*My youngest niece turned 1. She is such a doll and I'm thankful that I get to spend as much time as I do with her!
*My second oldest niece graduated from high school! Finally!
*My dad had a complete knee replacement and can walk so much better now. It was a tough go there for a while but he made it through!
*I was totally suprised with my 40th birthday party in July! My wonderful sisters did it just so I could experience having a party in the summer. My offical birthday is in December.
*My entire family can boast of having one of the healthiest years in a long time!

That's just a glimpse into what 2009 brought to us.

I don't tend to make resolutions because I always break them but I have decided to make some goals for 2010. I want to eat healthier, exercise more and spend more time with God! Tomorrow brings a new year with new anticipation of what God has in store for me and my family!

Happy New Year!

Wordless Wednesday

Calling Again

The last time I called our clinic was Nov 10th. I think that I'll give it to the second week in January before I call again. I have a feeling that with the holidays things have been kinda crazy there so I'll wait until around the 9th or 10th to call and see what the latest update is for us.
We were told that we would begin looking at profiles in January. Chad is ready to get this process started. I think that we've come to the conclusion that embryo adoption will be the way that we have a family. We'll have to update our homestudy in March again and we just don't want to go through that again. Our insurance doesn't cover the physicals and it's not cheap. We'll probably just pay the remainder of our balance on our homestudy and not pursue domestic adoption any more.
I'm ok with that!
Chad was hoping that we'd have a little one to share next Christmas with. Of course it's not impossible just not probable. We'd have to atleast have our transfer in Feb/March and I'm just not sure that's going to happen. I'm not saying it won't but I just don't see the possibility of it happening that soon!
God could have other plans and it could work out for us that way and I'd be ecstatic but I'm not gonna hold my breath!
I'm just gonna continue to wait and see what God has in store for us in 2010!

The BIG 40

Today is my 40th birthday! It's hard to believe that I'm 40 because to be honest, I don't feel it! My body may be beginning to tell me that I'm getting old but I don't feel it! I've heard the old saying that you're only as old as you feel and I feel young. Perhaps it's because I'm surrounded by children all day but they do tend to make you feel younger.

I've had many birthday wishes and I'm truly grateful for my family and friends who love me in spite of my weaknesses!

Wordless Wednesday

Hard to believe

It's hard to believe that Christmas is just 2 days away. Thank goodness I'm done with my shopping! However I'm still waiting on one gift to be delivered. It's aggravating because I placed the order on the 2nd of December. You think that'd be plenty of time to get something shipped. I just checked today and it's suppose to be delivered on Christmas Eve. Talk about cutting it close. I do have a back up plan if it doesn't arrive so I won't be stuck, hopefully!

This is the first year in about 8 years that I've worked the week of Christmas. It's been fun because I love spending time with my best friend! She's my assistant and I love her to death! I also love that Chad and I haven't gotten even closer with her and her family! They truly are precious friends!

Christmas is such a special time of the year to enjoy the company of friends and family, sing carols in church, eat until you pop, and reflect on the previous year. Yet this year I'm doing my best to really focus on Christ and what his coming to earth truly means to me! With his birth we know that God sent His only Son to the world, to become man and live among His people. He ministered to everyone while here on earth. The lonely, the broken-hearted, the poor, the despised, the sick and even the Phariees. It didn't matter what circumstances brought them to Him, he just wanted to make sure that when they left Him they were changed!

It's my prayer this Christmas season to truly worship Him and when I come away that I'm truly changed by Him! May you be changed as well!

On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold and of incense and of myrrh. Matthew 2:11

What Christmas is all about...

Yesterday at work we had our annual "Birthday party" for Jesus. We gather in the gym and I tell all the children the Christmas story. We sing a few songs and then we light the candles to sing Happy Birthday to Jesus. We usually have a big birthday cake but to save some money we made cupcakes for everyone. It was a good time!

To add to the party we always ask our older children (3's, 4's and 5's) to tell what kind of gift they would give to Baby Jesus. As I was posting them on the wall in the hallway, I was humbled by one of the children's gifts. It was simply put yet so true...

I would give Him Me! Because that is what He wants!

To see Christmas through the eyes of a child and hear such a profound statement come from a 5 year old is truly amazing!

May I experience Christmas this year by giving myself to Jesus Christ totally!

Wordless Wednesday

Santa Visit

Santa Clause came to visit the children here at the daycare today. It's so much fun to see the wonder in the children's eyes as they sit on his lap and tell him what they want for Christmas! Of course we had some that would have nothing to do with him but overall it was a wonderful visit. Santa was so good with each child and very patient with those who got upset.

It's hard to believe that he comes to visit in just 2 weeks! Hope I'm on the list!

Wordless Wednesday

It's a blah kinda day

It may be the rainy damp weather putting me in a blah kinda of mood today but I hate when I feel like this. It's on these days that my infertility really hits and I just have uncontrollable thoughts about not having a baby! And what makes it worse is that I work in childcare and am I'm constantly reminded of it on yucky days like today. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my job! I'm thankful that God placed me in this job and I can share in the many blessings that children can bring each day. But today is just a bad day. I hurt today and it's a deep inside kinda hurt. Especially now that the year is coming to a close and I just knew that 2009 was going to be our year. It just stinks!
And to add to the day, we have our church staff Christmas party tonight. I'm not in the mood to have to put on a happy face and be nice to other people. I'd much rather go home and get comfy with a blanket and watch "A Charlie Brown Christmas". But it's almost required that we attend this party. It use to be fun because every couple would bring a gift to play "Dirty Santa." We'd cut up and laugh and really have a good time but we now go to a restaurant that isn't conducive to play any games or even share with everyone. I'm not looking forward to it at all!
It's just a blah kinda day!

It's beginning to look alot like Christmas!

It's starting to feel like Christmas for me too! The weather has been cooperating making it feel more like the Christmas season! I know I live in the South and we typically don't have much of a winter but of the few things I do like is for it to be cold during Christmas. We've had several Christmases when we've worn shorts and it just doesn't make it feel like Christmas when you're wearing shorts! So I'm thankful it's beginning to be cold and stay cold!

I've gotten a good bit of my shopping done. There are a few people on my list I've yet to buy for but at least I have an idea of what I want to get them. I'm one of those persons who loves to see the reaction on their face when they open a present I've given them. Nothing is more priceless! You can tell so much by their reaction! Hopefully all those who receive gifts from me will have a good reaction.

I was reminded last night at our annual "Hanging of the Green" service just exactly what Christmas is all about. God sent His only Son to earth as a baby so long ago in order that I could receive his wonderful gift of salvation! How awesome a present is that! My prayer this Christmas is that I really take in the true reason for the season in all that I do! Hope you do as well!

I'm so excited!

For those who haven't noticed I added a new ticker to my blog! See above! I'm going to Disney World!! I can't wait! And what's more exciting is that I get to share it with two wonderful friends and their families! What adds to all the excitement is that none of them have ever been to the World! I can't wait to see their expressions and how they'll react to the most Magical place on earth!

Chad and I plan to take 5 of our nieces with us too! 2 of them have been before but the other 3 haven't so that'll add to the joy too!

I can't wait to see this ticker end!!

Decorations

This is the outside of our house. We added the swags on the windows and the little trees on the porch. I like it!



This is my Christmas tree. I think it looks like a Charlie Brown tree. There are some ornaments that I've bought over the years but for the most part they've been given to me. I do have a few small glass ornament balls that my grandmother hung on her tree. Those I'll treasure forever!




This is my mantel. There's not much to it but it's pretty at night when we're sitting in the den together.

Is it December already??

I can't believe that today is the first day of the last month in the year 2009. Where has the year gone? I get a little depressed when I think about this year because I just knew that this would be the year that we became parents. I honestly had a good feeling that this Christmas we'd have a little one to spoil. But God has other plans for us right now.

Waiting is so hard yet I've seen God working in my life through this wait. That's why I've decided to really enjoy the holidays this year. Who knows this could be the last Christmas we spend as a family of two. I want to take it all in not just with my eyes but with all my senses. To smell, hear, taste, and feel all things Christmas!

Can't wait to get started!

Weekend Getaway

Chad and I are heading out of town for the weekend! It's a much needed break. Time for us to leave work, adoption and any other topic of conversation here and just enjoy each other! I can't wait!

I know that if things continue to progress for us in the embryo adoption, trips like this won't come around much so we're taking advantage of it now!

We'll be back Sunday!

All the questions

We really hope to book a trip to Disney World in January. We are planning to go with 2 other families and I'm super excited about it. I can't stop thinking about it! Just ask my friends! Every day I'm sharing a little tidbit with them about our trip and it's not even booked yet! I'm searching the Internet looking for all kinds of info to help with our trip! I've even joined a site that is all about Disney! It's crazy and I'm determined to go!

However, I'm also excited about the possibility that I could become pregnant next year too! That's where all the questions come into play. Once we get to look through profiles, what is the next step? And how long after we select a profile do we start the whole procedure? What tests will be required of me? How will we finance all of this? Chad is already stressing about the money! He had it all worked out for our Disney trip and there will be some major cutting back on our part to fund it. When you're taking 5 nieces it can be expensive but we want to do this for them. 2 of our nieces have been already with us and we can't wait to take the other 3 for their first time.

I've got an wonderful friend who I've only met online. She is currently going through her embryo adoption. She started her shots just today! OUCH! But she said she was worried about where her funds would come from to do her transfer and God saw them through it! He provided it all much to her surprise! So I know that God can supply the funds and I'm holding on to the promise that he'll do the same for us! I'll start praying now and just see how amazing He is! Won't you join me?

I bit the bullet...

I did it. I called our clinic to see where we are on the waiting list. It's good news! We've moved to number 10 and she said we would start looking at profiles in January! I'm excited yet cautious because I'm not sure when it all would take place. The big kicker is that we're trying to plan a vacation to Disney World for June. Boy does that kinda throw a kink in our plans. Who knows it probably won't even affect our trip but it could.

Lots of things to think about!

So I went back and read what I posted yesterday and can't believe how negative the post sounds. I truly believe that the wait for both our domestic and embryo adoption is what fueled what I had to say. Plus the fact that I haven't openly shared that with anyone, not even Chad, until yesterday. I did share it with a few of my close friends today and it felt good to release it. I've come to the conclusion that right now both adoptions are traveling the same path and that hopefully soon that path is going to fork and eventually one of those paths will bless us with a child. If I honestly look deep inside myself I know which one I want. And I think that if there were any type of movement within that one I'd feel better about the wait. I could call and inquire to see if any movement has been made but I don't want to set myself up for disappointment. I've told myself, Chad and a few close friends that I'm done waiting. I'm done with wondering if we'll ever become parents. I'm just done. But just today, I had those close friends tell me that they aren't ready for me to be done yet. They shared with me that God's got a plan for Chad and me which they both feel like includes a child. They gave me a glimpse of hope that I've been longing for. Why did it take them to share that with me to believe it? Why can't I just have faith, even if it's the size of a mustard seed, that God is seeing me through all of this? I haven't done alot of praying about our adoption just because I'm scared to really see what God is doing about it.

Avoidance

I've been avoiding posting anything new. I visit my blog on a daily basis to check out the other blogs I visit but I've been avoiding posting anything. I've had plenty to blog about, most of it not related to adoption, but for some reason decided not to. I think that when I initially set this blog up it was to record our adoption journey and share it with others. Seeing that we've been waiting over 2 years and have yet to be chosen there really isn't alot to blog about.

I've can say that I struggle everyday with my emotions regarding adoption. Today is a day when I'm not sure that adopting domestically is really for me. I visit an adoption forum several times a day. I'm a registered member and have been for several years but just can't bring myself to post anything on there. The makeup of the members there are birthmothers who have relinquished, mothers and fathers who have adopted both domestically and internationally, and adoptees. I've learned so much about adoption and the many, many, many emotions that go along with it. To read the posts from birthmothers who have relinquished their child and the pain they still feel after many years of post-placement. A few of them have a good relationshipe with their child's adoptive parents and yet several of them haven't heard from their children since that first year (which most adoption agencies require). Their biggest desire is to see that adoptions are done in the best ethical way possible. This means there is no coerision with the expectant mother, that termination of parental rights be done months after the child's birth and that the revocation period(time that the adoption could be reversed) be atleast a year. Sounds scary, right? To say that the child God intends to bless us with would have to be in interim care for the first 3 months of his/her life and that after that we could take him/her home but it would be a legal risk placement until a year later does sound scary. I'm not saying that this is how our adoption would be but should it be like this?

We have been told that we're pretty open with our adoption. If I remember correctly, we've said that we would agree to correspond with our child's mother up to age 18. This includes includes photos, letters and visits. My struggle comes with how will our families react to this. I've heard some say that once she signs away her parental rights, she's not obligated to have any information. Not even photos and letters. And when visits are suggested, they can't believe we'd actually agree to that. Of course those visits would most likely take place at a neutral place, preferably the agency.

When I really start to think about all that, I do get scared. I see another woman who will grieve the rest of her life, perhaps being told that she's doing the right thing for her child. I see me having to explain to our child the reasons behind his/her adoption. I can see our child asking why he/she can't go home with their first mother after a visit. I can see the many questions that will be asked both of me and my child. I see pain that will last a lifetime not only for my child, but his/her first mother and me.

I've obviously been keeping in some deep felt emotions from the sound of this post. But it's something that I think about often. It's something that I still have trouble coming to grips about. It's something that I avoid as often as I can.

Fast for Me

About a month ago I was asked to share with my church family about the Ladies Bible Studies that our church offers. It was kind of like a commerical for them because they were getting ready to start up. I told the church that I firmly believe God places you in the right time and knows exactly what you need to hear, especially when it comes to Bible study.

I've done several of the studies here at church and I'm currently doing Beth Moore's Esther, It's Tough Being a Woman. Again God is speaking to me through this Bible study. I have to admit that there are some days when I don't really dig deep into the day's study but that wasn't the case today. For some reason I took my time and really read what Beth was talking about. A little synopsis of where we are in the study. Esther has been Queen for 5 years. Haman has sent out an edict, with the King's approval, to destroy, kill and annihilate all the Jews. Mordecai, Esther's cousin who adopted her as a child, has asked her to go into the King's presence and beg for mercy and plead with him for the sake of the Jews. Esther sends back word to Mordecai that to approach the King without being summoned would result in her death, unless he held out his gold scepter. Mordecai tells Esther that even though she's in the King's house she and her family are not safe from the edict. Finally Esther sends back word to Mordecai to gather all the Jews and fast for her. She doesn't want them to eat or drink for three days and she'll do the same. After 3 days, she will go to the King.

So here we are: It's Day 5 of week 4 and the title is "Fast for Me." Beth tells us that "we simply have no idea what God will do with even the most reluctant life. Some leap to their destinies. Others lag and loom, yet God persists, "for God's gifts and his call are irrevocable." She also says "In a crisis situation such as this (Esther's dilemma), there was no neutral position. Failure to decide brings personal loss and misses the opportunity to fulfill God's purposes. At times nothing is more consequentially decisive than refusing to make a decision. At critical moments-even those unrecognizable at the time-failure to decide is to decide on failure."

It got me to thinking have I failed God today? With each decision that I was faced with, did I truly look at each side and decide what He would want me to do or did I decide on what I wanted to do? Or an even bigger question, Did I fail to decide and miss out on fulfilling God's purpose for my life?

This especially hit home with our adoption situation. I've been questioning alot whether we've taken the road God has planned for Chad and me. As I trudge through each day knowing it's a day further from becoming a parent, I have to ask myself and God "Am I on the right path?" Perhaps I just need to have a fasting for myself. Beth explains that to have the type of fast Esther asked of her people could only mean that they would spend that time in prayer. That's not directly mentioned in the Scriptures but by all means it's what the author was implying. Maybe God is telling me to fast myself and really spend time with Him in prayer seeking the directions and plans He desires for me!

I've got some research to do!

Adoption Update

There's not alot to tell. We're still waiting on both. I did ask Chad if he had talked to our social worker and he did call last week. Our profile was shown twice and we weren't chosen. Chad didn't want to tell me because he thinks it'll upset me. But to be honest I wasn't bothered by the news. Perhaps I've gotten too complacent with my life the way it is right now. I so enjoy the time Chad and I spend together. Being able to just get up and go do something without having to pack up a baby and all that comes with them is very nice right now.

The last time I called to check where we were on the embryo waiting list we were number 12. I won't call back for a while. We were told that once we hit #10 we would begin to receive information from them. I'm just gonna wait until we receive some info from them rather than call. It's too depressing to hear that we haven't moved anymore.

I've come to the realization that it'll happen when God's ready for it to happen.

Online Friends

I had a dear friend pass away unexpectedly this weekend. It has been such a shock to me and I never met her in person. She was a friend that I met on the infertility forum that I'm a member of. She had been sick the previous week and struggled with getting better. The doctor said that it was some type of childhood illness that hits adults even harder.

It's really put into perspective that I need to live each day as though it were my last. Do all that I do so that it's pleasing to Jesus. Forget what the world may say I need to do and just live according to what Jesus tells me!

Today her body was laid to rest but I know that she is resting in the arms of my Savior, Jesus having a wonderful time! I'll miss you dear friend but know that I'll see you once again!

My heart is so heavy today! My sister Liz is scheduled to have a laparoscopic hysterectomy on Monday. I can't begin to imagine the feelings she must be going through but I can empathize with her. She's never been married and with this surgery goes a dream of having a biological child. I've grieved this same dream and it hurts! To the very core of my being I ache with the longing to have my own child and I know my sister does too! I just pray that I can be strong for her on Monday. Today I've not. It's been a day filled with tears and sadness both for my sister and myself. So many of the emotions can't be expressed with words only tears and for now I'll shed those tears today so that Monday I can be there for my sister!

Remembering

Today is a day for remembering. I can remember exactly what I was doing 8 years ago. I was getting ready for work and had the Today Show on. I had just finished blow drying my hair when I heard Katie Couric say that a plane had flown into one of the World Trade Center buildings. I stopped to watch and saw the second plane crash into the other building. My first reaction was to get in touch with my parents. They were on a chartered bus going to the National Quartet convention in Louisville, KY. I called my sister to see if she had called them and she said that my other sister had talked to them. I finished getting ready and headed to work. Once I got to work I moved the tv into the office and just watched the news coverage all day. I remember going to get my nieces from school just to have them close and to know that they were safe.

I also remember the special program that aired when Alan Jackson sang "Where were you when the world stopped turning." I can remember crying and just hurting so much for those who lost a loved one that day. I can also remember the feeling of patriotism and togetherness that our country went through. The t-shirts that were made that said "We Will Never Forget!" Going to the Red Cross to give blood and there being standing room only!

May we never forget how our country was changed that day!

Hindsight is 20/20

I knew I shouldn't have but I did. I told myself not to but my curiosity could not be contained. I called our clinic to see where we were on the waiting list. They mentioned to me the last time that when we got closer to being number 10 that we would start receiving information. And of course we haven't received anything so I had an inkling that we hadn't moved from number 12. Well the phone call yesterday confirmed this for me. We are still number 12. It's been about 2 months since I last called and checked. That's totally depressing for me to know that in 2 months they haven't done any more transfers. I was so hoping to hear that we had moved up. And to be honest I would have felt so much better if we even had moved up one number!

A dear friend reminded me to not give up hope and I'm trying so hard not to do that! But the waiting is really starting to get to me. We haven't heard anything on our domestic adoption either. There are those days when I tell myself that I just need to resign myself to accepting that we'll be a family of 2! However the desire to have a child is still too strong in my heart to fully give up and become just a family of 2.

Perhaps this is a wake up call from God telling me that I need to dig more into his word and really start praying more! Oh don't get me wrong, I pray through each day but it's those down on my knees, face to the ground kind of prayers that are missing from my life right now! When I went through Beth Moore's study of the Psalms, she asked us to do this during our prayer time each day! I could totally see a difference when I was down on my knees,face to the ground really pouring my heart and soul out to God. I felt that he heard my prayers and actually was ansering me during those times!

Like the title of the post, hindsight is better! Perhaps this is the look back that I needed to see where I've failed in my quiet time and be reminded of where I need to be!

God is Speaking

It's been one of those weeks! I've been tired the past few days and my mind tends to wander when I'm tired. I've had things going through my head that I know are not of God and just today I was reminded of that. I subscribe to Lifeway's Journey magazine. It's a monthly devotional that begins with a scripture, has an everyday application, then a little prayer to pray and then it ends with the deeper walk which is additional scripture to read. Today's spoke to me so much that I have to share!

Ouch!
"I will repay you for the years that the swarming locust ate, the young locust, the destroying locust, and the devouring locust." Joel 2:25

Life hurts, but here's some really good news. If your heart's in pieces, God is in the mending business. He's not just in the business-it's one of His priorities.

Jesus quoted the passage from Isaiah 61:1-3 on the offical opening day of His ministry (Luke 4:18). He spent the rest of His earthly life healing people. While He was on earth, He physically and spiritually healed the blind (Matt. 9:27-31); the lame (Matt. 9:5-7); and even raised the dead (Matt. 9:23-25). Jesus is still healing-even as you read this sentence.

It's God's heart to heal yours.

God doesn't make light of the things that wound us. He doesn't look down on us thinking how weak we are if something shatters our hearts. God isn't intimidated by how much we hurt or how wounded we are. We don't have to act tough with Him.
God doesn't scoff when we're wounded. In fact, He knows our wounds better than we do. He knows exactly what wounded us, even if we can't pinpoint it. He's even aware of wounds that we don't even know exists. Plus, He knows the depths of our hearts.

Because of all that, God is the best One to go to when we're hurting. That's why He's often called the Great Physican. He's actually the Greatest Physican-no ailment is beyond His ability to heal. And He wants to mend them all.
God wants to heal you. He wants to heal you from the past (Joel 2:25). He wants to heal your present (Isaiah 57:18) If you've got a wound, God wants to mend it.

Maybe you don't need healing right now. But since hard times are guaranteed on this side of heaven (John 16:33), you or someone you know will need God's healing touch at some point. The God who heals, the Greatest Physician, is ready and waiting- no appointment necessary.

Lord, when life get hard, remind me that You are always there to help and to heal me. Give me a heart of compassion so I can reach out to others who are hurting.

Deeper Walk: Isaiah 61:1-3

As hurt as my heart gets about our whole adoption process, I'm reassured that God already knows the hurt I feel! The waiting is so hard yet I know deep down that God is totally in control!!

Some days I think that my problems are just too big and I stress about them to the point that I can almost make myself sick. And then God sends someone to let me know that my problems aren't that big and I shouldn't stress about them. It's that gentle reminder from Him that lets me know He's still there orchestrating and composing the plan he has for my life.

Just today someone shared with me what a friend of hers has gone through. And when I look at what she's been dealing with compared to what I've been dealing with, I'm humbled and almost ashamed for thinking that my problems are too big. It's these God moments that point out to me that He's the one in charge, not me!

I'm learning that I've got to continue to give it all over to God and let Him take the burden for me.

Same Song, Second Verse

Chad told me yesterday that we weren't chosen again. And you know, I'm ok with that. It stings a little but not like it has before. I know that God in his infinite wisdom has a plan for Chad and me. And while I may not have anticipated that it would have taken us this long to grow our family, God knows best!

God is laying the groundwork and refining both of us to hopefully one day be the best parents we can be!

Adoption is not really on my mind these days and to be honest, that's a good thing! God has placed other things on my mind and heart to pray about and I'm grateful for that.

Headed Out

Me and my flakes (my best friends) are heading to the beach today! It's a much needed break from my reality and the week that I've had. I've been really emotional this week. There have been days when the tears just come and I really don't know why. They've just been there! I even had a good conversation with my pastor and feel so much better about some things!

I'm looking forward to just sitting on the beach with my friends and taking in God's beautiful creation. Knowing that we can sit together and not say a whole lot is wonderful as well!

Hope we have good weather but it won't matter...cause you know what they say... A rainy day at the beach is better than a sunny day at home!!

No news

We haven't heard anything on the young expectant mother who was looking through profiles last week. However, we are meeting with our new social worker on Thursday. It'll be nice to meet him and see what he has to say regarding our status.

I'm really just tired of thinking of adoption right now! I feel like God has laid on my heart and mind other things to think about.

Just wanted to update!

Showing

Our profile is being shown this week. She is a young expecting mother who is due in September. She is looking for a couple that doesn't have children, who is under 40 (which is cutting it close for me), and is active in their church. Our social worker told us that they'll be showing her 10 other profiles along with ours. She is due in September and is expecting a boy.

We should know if we aren't chosen as soon as she lets the agency know who she's chosen. I'm praying every day for her and this decision! It's my prayer that she's asking God to guide her in all that she does and that she's confident in the decision of relinquishing her child. I can't imagine what she must be going through as she contemplates giving her child to someone else to raise.

I haven't wanted to think about adoption for a while! Perhaps God is allowing me to think about adoption so I don't have to think about my friend's husband being deployed Thursday!

Whatever happens, I know that God is in the middle of it all!

This week

I don't want this week to happen. I'm really feeling emotional knowing that my best friend's husband will be leaving for Iraq on Thursday. She's doing pretty good right now but I'm anticipating the closer it gets to Thursday the more emotional she may be. Atleast she will be off Wednesday to spend time with her husband before seeing him off on Thursday.

But she did tell me that she knows she's got a great support system surrounding her. She also said that she knows that she's got to rely on her faith in God to see her through the next 90 days.

It's my prayer that she totally relies on God to see her through too!

Good Friends

My good friends pictured above could use your prayers. Matt is getting ready to be deployed to Iraq next week. This is his second deployment since the war began and it's a different situtaion for them all. He's going to be gone until October, which is longer than it was the first time. He's actually going to Iraq this time. Last time they were in Jordan. I know that God is faithful and will protect him and his unit but with the pullout of American forces and all that comes with that I'm worried about what they may experience.

I can't imagine what military families go through with deployments like this. Their sacrifice for our country is beyond my comprehension! I'm grateful we have men and women like Matt who serve to defend and protect the many freedoms we so selfishly take for granted.

Please pray for God's protection, not only over Matt and his family, but his entire unit!

Chad spoke to our social worker today. He told him that our agency is working with 17 expectant mothers right now. Seven of those could possibly be the one for us. I hate that Chad told me this news. For the past few weeks I haven't thought much about adoption (both embryo and domestic). I've had too many other things on my mind to really focus on adoption. Of course I visit a few adoption sites every now and then but I don't dwell on thinking about adoption.

Of course after hearing today's news, I can't stop thinking about it. I asked Chad when these expectant mothers were due and he said December. Then it hit me, we could seriously be in the process with our embryo adoption right around that time. How crazy is that!

If I'm truly honest with myself this is not the news I wanted to hear. I've gotten excited about the possibility of the embyro adoption route. Just goes to show you that God is in control and He's working out the plan for us!

Waiting

If you've ever noticed my ticker at the bottom of my page you may have noticed that yesterday was our 2 year mark for waiting for our domestic adoption. I have to be honest and say I never thought we'd be waiting this long. I know that it's all in God's perfect plan but just didn't think it would take this long.

I have to admit that I'm a little bit happy that it hasn't happened for us. I've really become excited about our journey with embryo adoption. We've moved up a couple of numbers and I get more excited the closer we get to number 1.

God has put plenty of things in my life right now to keep me occupied. With work, family (my dad had knee replacement surgery and my niece just celebrated her first birthday) and friends (my best friend's husband is getting ready to deploy to Iraq for 3 months) I don't have too much time to really worried about adoption.

God is preparing both Chad and me for parenting. I know that He's working it all out so that in the end, He'll receive all the glory!!

Still counting down...

We have a new number on the embryo adoption list. We've moved from 14 to 12! They told we're looking at a 6-9 month wait but it's been moving pretty steadily so I'm hoping it could happen sooner! My wish is that by December it could happen! Of course it's all in God's hands not mine.

I have held many things in my hands and have lost them all. But whatever I have placed in God's hands,that I still possess. Martin Luther

My Best Friend

Today is my best friend's birthday! (She's the one in the middle!) I'm so grateful to have a friend that I can confide in, talk to, vent to, and just about tell anything! God placed her in my life at the right time and I thank Him everyday that he sent her to me!

So Happy Birthday Kim! May today be a day of wonderful blessings!

Today

is Father's Day! I've been told that I'm my father's daughter, especially by my sisters. They've always said that I'm my dad's favorite out of all the girls. I've come to the conclusion that that may be true but I know that it's in part because I enjoyed doing things with him. I'd sit down and watch a ball game, golf match, etc with him and I'm thankful I spent that time with him. I can honestly say that I know more about sports than your average women tends to know. And it's because of my dad!

One memory I love to recall is when we were living on the base in Mayport, FL. My youngest sister and I went to daycare on the base. One afternoon my dad stopped by to pick us up and we got to walk home with him. I can remember walking down the street holding on to what I thought was the biggest hand ever. And let me tell you when that hand hit your bottom you knew it was a big hand! It was a rare occasion for my dad to pick us up but I loved seeing him on this day and enjoyed the walk home with him!

My dad has always been there for me and I'm so very thankful that I still have my father here on earth! I know that one day he won't be here (but I know where He'll be) and I honestly can't picture my life without him.

So Happy Father's Day Dad! Love your little girl!

God has blessed me and Chad with some amazing friends. Some would argue that it's difficult to go away and spend several days with friends. There are so many different personalities that you'd expect there to be disagreements or even agruments. But we had a wonderful time together and we all stayed in the same house!

I'm so thankful that I God brought these wonderful people into my life! They hold me accountable for so many things and I treasure each relationship that I have with them!

A friend loves at all times... Proverbs 17:17

Please, can I go back??

I'd rather be here right now! It's been crazy here at work this week. We promoted the children to their new classrooms and some are having a hard time getting adjusted. It'll take them the rest of this week and possibly next week to feel better about their new rooms.

Life can get hectic but everyone needs that time to relax and try to forget about the cares of everyday life. That's what I did last week! And I have to say, IT WAS WONDERFUL! Time well spent with good friends!

Counting down the days...

I'm so excited and can hardly wait for Saturday! I'm leaving for the beach for 5 days with some close friends and their families! It's a much needed break and I'm super excited! 5 days of sun, fun, food, and relaxtion!

Saturday can't get here any sooner!

Going through the motions

I've heard this song several times in the last couple of days. It's almost like God is telling me to stop going through the motions! It's my prayer that I can have that all consuming passion inside of me!






Quote of the Day:
God never promises to remove us from our struggles. He does promise, however, to change the way we look at them.
Max Lucado

It's A God Thing

I love to sing! I used to be part of our Adult Choir here at the church. I quit going and was convicted of not being a part of the choir everytime I went to church. I can't tell you the reason why I stopped singing in the choir I just did. However, I went back last night. It just felt right being there and I'm glad I did. And to be honest it was all a God thing. It was what I needed to make it through the rest of the week. God spoke to me last night through the lyrics of a song we practiced. I just had to share what those words are.

Bow the Knee

There are moments on our journey following the Lord
Where God illumines ev’ry step we take.
There are times when circumstances make perfect sense to us,
As we try to understand each move He makes.
When the path grows dim and our questions have no answers, turn to Him.

Bow the knee;
Trust the heart of your Father when the answer goes beyond what you can see.
Bow the knee;
Lift your eyes toward heaven and believe the One who holds eternity.
And when you don’t understand the purpose of His plan,
In the presence of the King, bow the knee.

There are days when clouds surround us, and the rain begins to fall,
The cold and lonely winds won’t cease to blow.
And there seems to be no reason for the suffering we feel;
We are tempted to believe God does not know.
When the storms arise, don’t forget we live by faith and not by sight.

He is telling me that all we need to do is get on our knees! When I don't understand the whys and hows of what is going on in my life all I need to do is have enough faith in Him and bend my knees!

Negative Nancy

So my niece(who shall remain nameless) reads my blog and saw my post from yesterday. She totally got on to me for sounding like a negative Nancy about our adoption. However, she and my two best friends did put things into a different perspective for me.

I have to be honest, I've never felt like I clicked with our current social worker. Not that there was anything wrong with him but he dealt mostly with Chad and not me. So after hearing that he was leaving our agency I just thought perhaps it was God's way of telling us that this door would be closing for us.

Back to my niece and best friends: All 3 said that perhaps this was God's way of moving our adoption in a new direction. Maybe this new social worker will be a better advocate for Chad and me. (Not saying that our current one isn't.) Could be that our new social worker will fight harder to have our profile shown more. Who knows??

It's hard when you hear yesterday's news and try to be positive about things. But it's always wonderful to have family and friends show you the other side of things!

Thank you God for sending them my way!

UGH!

I just learned from Chad that our social worker that has been with us the entire journey of our adoption is leaving our agency. This really stinks! After 2 years of paperwork, visits and phone calls he knew us on a personal level! And to think we've got to start over with someone new.

I almost feel like it's God's way of closing this door for us! My prayer will be that if that is the case that things would continue to fall into place and be obvious to us.

I'm also praying that our embryo adoption clinic is performing lots of transfers this month so that we move up more on that list!

Got some praying to do!

Another Number

I call on a monthly basis to see where we are on the embryo adoption list. Last time we were number 17 and now we are 15. I was so excited to hear we moved again. She did tell me that the closer we get to number 10 they will send out additional information they will need. That's exciting too!

I have to be honest and say that I hope that this works out for us before we are chosen by an expectant mother. I had thought that I was ok with not being pregnant but Chad would really love to experience all things that come with being pregnant. I want to do that with him!!

I'll call again this month and pray we've moved up more than 2!

Physical Again

Today we went for our yearly physical for our adoption. I can't believe we've had to do this 3 times. I understand the need for this but it's just an ugly reminder that we are still waiting. In my heart I know that God is working in all of this yet in my head I don't want to have to do this again next year!

Our doctor commented on how much they want to know about someone who's adopting yet nothing like this is required to get married. (At least not anymore) It made me stop and think how some people take advantage of how easy it's been for them to have children. I'm constantly reminded of it everyday! So many times I've asked God why not us? Why'd it have to be this way for us?

I often think of Hannah in the Bible and what she must have gone through. Being married and desparately wanting to have a child. Being in a home where her husband's other wife could have children and often have this other woman provoke her severely because she couldn't have children. Year after year this would happen! But Hannah was patient and she prayed every year for God to bless her with a child.

I see the correlation between her story and my story but there's one difference. I haven't been praying like I should! Oh I talk to God everyday but I haven't been on my face with him in a while. Perhaps it's time I do that! Perhaps God is requesting a little one on one with Him!

It's my hope that one day I can say:

For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition which I asked of Him.1 Samuel 1:27

A little something

We had our homestudy update last week and it went well. Our SW called last Friday to tell us that he'd forgotten to tell us they now have offices in Georgia and Washington. He said our profile would be sent to those offices as well. It gives me hope that our profile will be reaching out beyond our state. This will require us to travel when "the call" comes but I think it's something we can handle.

Sunday's Coming!!

I can't wait to celebrate my RISEN Savior on Sunday!! Death could not hold him!! HALLELUJAH!!

"Good" Friday

I've always wondered why they've called it "Good Friday." To me it's not a day that I associate "good" with. To me it's a somber day to reflect on all that my Jesus went through. I've known for as long as I can remember that crucifixion is one of the cruelest ways to die. I've even read the medical description and I just can't fathom that my Savior did that for me. And what is hard to grasp is that if I was the only person he needed to do it for he still would have gone through with it. As I write this it's about 12:15 and typically we think of Jesus being on the cross from about 12:00 to 3:00. The next few hours I'm going to be reflecting on the pain and agony my sweet precious Jesus went through so that I could have the opportunity to live with him forever.

The old familiar hymn comes to mind-

When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died,
My richest gain I count but loss,
And pour contempt on all my pride.

Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,
Save in the death of Christ my God!
All the vain things that charm me most,
I sacrifice them to His blood.

See from His head, His hands, His feet,
Sorrow and love flow mingled down!
Did e’er such love and sorrow meet,
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

His dying crimson, like a robe,
Spreads o’er His body on the tree;
Then I am dead to all the globe,
And all the globe is dead to me.

Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were a present far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20

Once again

We are doing our homestudy update tomorrow! I'm totally bummed about it. I hate that we're having to do this AGAIN! We're slowing making it to the 2 year waiting phase and I'm really struggling with all of it! I had to make doctor appointments for both Chad and I and we're also going to have to do our fingerprints AGAIN! Waiting stinks and yet God reminds me AGAIN that His timing is perfect. I visit a forum on a daily basis. Just today another member wrote that "God is the author of our stories, it's up to us to open up the book. Some chapters are harder than others but all are neccessary!" Talk about slapping me in the face!! This chapter of my life has been difficult however I know that this waiting is neccessary for God's plan to be made perfect in my life.

As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him. Psalm 18:30

A little good news...

I called our clinic today to see where we are on the waiting list for embryo adoption. We have a new number!!! We are now #17.

The waiting continues and yet I know that God is in control!!

But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever,the purposes of his heart through all generations. Psalm 33:11

Locks of Love

Today I got my haircut! I am going to donate it to Locks of Love in honor of my mother who has been cancer free for 17 years. Here is the before:

After:

Don't know what to think

About a month and a half ago, our social worker called Chad and presented him with an expectant mother. He wanted to know if we wanted our profile shown to her. He usually does because on our "Desired Child Form" we marked on certain things it would be a case by case situation for us. This particular mother has a history of drug use but has been clean for the past couple of years. The only thing is that she has smoked throughout her pregnancy.

Now our agency doesn't show the mothers profiles until they have about 4-6 weeks left in their pregnancy. Chad called about 2 weeks ago and our sw told him he hadn't heard anything. We gave it another week and he called again this. We got the same answer that he hasn't heard back. So you're probably thinking what's the point to this post. Here it is: With all the previous times we've been shown, we've had a answer (You weren't chosen) rather quickly too!

Also to add to the intrigue, it's time to update our homestudy. This requires physicals, blood work and a home visit from our social worker. We were told he was going to send them and he's yet to put them in the mail. He did tell Chad that he has to schedule a home visit before April 3 in order for our homestudy to be updated.

I could be reading too much into all of this but I'm just curious as to why the delay! Just let us know something already. Even if we were chosen they aren't going to tell us anything until everything is signed and we can come pick up our baby. This expectant mother is due at the end of March, so the earliest we could have a baby is end of April first of May!

But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently. Romans 8:25 (NLT)

Back to work

Chad and I had a great time just getting away for one night. We enjoyed just spending time with each other! Of course it was a crazy weekend. This is what it looked like when we left Sunday morning.














And this is what it looked like when we got to the beach!
















It was so beautiful but it was windy and cold!

Can't believe we had to come back home!

13 Years

Monday is our 13th wedding anniversary. I can't believe it's been that long. We are going to take a short trip to the beach to celebrate. We normally go to Gatlinburg, TN but our budget didn't allow for it this year. We may get to go in October. We've never gone during that time so I think it'll be neat to go then.

I never would have believed that after 13 years of marriage we would still be a family of two. Of course I've learned in those 13 years of marriage that my way is not God's way. There have been times when I wished I could go back and *redo* things or choose differently but I now know that through each choice I made God's was working through me to bring me to the place that I am today.

I love Chad more today than I did 13 years ago!! We've been through some difficult valleys and we've stood on some high mountaintops but it's only been because our God granted us the grace to see each other through!

No news on the adoption journey. Hopefully we'll hear something next week!

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:8

Waiting List

I heard back from our clinic and we are still number 20 on the list. It's a little disheartening to hear but like I told the nurse-It's all in God's timing.

This vision is for a future time.It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled.If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently,for it will surely take place.It will not be delayed. Habakkuk 2:3 (NLT)

This sums it up!

We had the opportunity to watch Fireproof on Valentine's Day. We got together with two other couples and had dinner and watched the movie. It was an awesome movie!! God placed this song in that movie and it sums up our entire adoption journey. Listen and you'll understand!




I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.Psalm 130:5

Curiosity

I couldn't help but call our embryo adoption clinic today. Just waiting for them to call me back. Hopefully we have a new number!!

Fighting the urge

I'm really fighting the urge to call the clinic in Birmingham again. I promised myself that I would wait until next week. I don't want to sound too anxious but I really would like to know if we've moved up any on the embryo adoption list. It would be so disheartening to call and still be number 20. I'm gonna try not to call this week! When you've got friends urging you on it's difficult but I'm going to try to hold out.

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:14

Once again

We weren't chosen by the expectant mother. To be honest I wasn't surprised or upset by this news. However there is another expectant mother that will be shown our profile. I'm not sure when she's going to be looking over them but I'm praying for her and her decision!

In God's time we'll be blessed with our special child.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:5-7

Sometimes I wonder if God allows things to happen just to make us laugh? I know that he has a sense of humor, just look at some of those animals he created. I'm excited about the possibility of embryo adoption. At one point I did not want to do it just because I can't picture myself pregnant. (But that's another post for another day!) But I have gotten to the point that I'm truly excited about this venture and pray that it's the road God has us travel to grow our family. But then Chad tells me yesterday that our social worker called and asked if he could show our profile to an expectant mother. The only information given is that she's 23 and is close to her delivery date. I almost wish he hadn't told me! I know that if we're chosen that this is God's plan for us to have a family. But something inside of me was a little discouraged that if we are chosen that embryo adoption is not the path we are to take.
I guess you could say I'm on the fence with having our profile shown but I don't want to mess up what God has in store for us! I'm definitely praying about it all!

Pray that the LORD your God will tell us where we should go and what we should do. Jeremiah 42:3

Some news...

Today Chad told me to call the clinic in Birmingham to see where we were on the waiting list. Well I got the call and we are #20 which means a 6-9 month wait. I am so surprised and excited! I was expecting to hear 30-35 and to wait a good 18 month wait. God is moving! And yet through it all I've learned to trust in Jesus, I've learned to trust in God! Through it all I learned to depend upon His word!!

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

That fork in the road....

Which road do we take?? After having our phone conversation with the other agency, Chad and I just aren't comfortable going that route. One of the biggest factors is that the bulk of the money is needed up front before we begin anything with them. We could possibly get some of the money but not all of it. Also there were a few concerns that Chad wasn't comfortable with. And I don't want him to agree to do anything that he doesn't have peace about.
So this brings me to the other choice we have (thus the fork in the road). Chad mentioned that he really wants to pursue the embyro adoption. He so desires to go to doctor appointments with me, to hear a baby's heartbeat, and to be able to leave the hospital with our child. He's called the NEDC (National Embryo Donation Center) in Knoxville several times and is waiting to hear back from them. It is considerably less than your typical adoption so that is one big plus for us. We're anxious to begin as quickly as possible so it's my prayer they return his phone call soon!
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

New Avenue

Chad and I have decided to look into another opportunity. I found an agency who facilites adoption. They are not an agency. They are based out of California but work in all states. Their application fee was free and I submitted ours online. I was expecting for things to go so fast but we were pre-approved and have scheduled a phone conference tomorrow. We'll talk with one of the adoption coordinators. I'm a little nervous but also excited. Especially since our SW told Chad the other day that they are now telling new couples who apply that the waiting period is 2-5 years.

Perhaps this is the route God is wanting us to take. I know that I continue to seek his direction through it all.

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matthew 6:33